Are we conditioned to lie? Now I know that may seem to be a jump from the question ‘why do relationships fail’ but bear with me.
We have a lot of automatic responses.
A result of habit, picked up as far as back from our childhood.
Saying the right things, the socially acceptable thing.
Even simple things like saying, thank you to the person who is holding the door for you.
It is an acceptable thing to day.
Do we mean our ‘Thank you’ s.
If we observe closely there are so many automatic things we say.
The appropriate responses of excitement, when someone breaks news about something that is important to them. These responses are taught to us, saying ‘you are just being empathetic’ But aren’t they mere lies? Perhaps out of the need to fit in, or to have them like us? Or taught out of a parents’ need for us to be good kids.
It is almost as if we’re flipping a switch and executing a procedure in response to some words uttered by another, in response to someone else’s emotion.
You feel pity for someone when they are sad, and call it compassion.
You say, cultivate compassion, be kind, a widespread message now. In cultivating compassion, and in being kind, we’re just being condescending. A sense of being spiritually or being morally superior.
Even when someone tells you they love you, especially with someone who you are just so accustomed to, used to be with, you say ‘I love you’ back, instantly, or as fashion these days, I have heard my female friends throwing ‘I love yous’ around, for whatever empowering reason, without any grasp of what love means. It is just very superficial.
Things just become word play between each other.
Relationships are degrading, they have no deep meaning, because of these responses.
Our attachment to saying the right things, attachment to phrases, sentences, and slogans.
Our lives are molded into shape with these slogans. You are molded, you have no independent personality that you so much care about, the individuality you cherish, after all. The uniqueness. You are not special.
All those motivational quotes, throwing these into conversations, without even understanding what it is to have known what is said in the quote by oneself.
We have this very superficial layer of words, and goo, floating between each other, like a rubber buffer. Not allowing us to touch each other. We bump into each other with this slippery thing between us.
We merely slip on each other. We don’t touch. But we are desperate to touch.
It is funny. And sad at the same time.
You want these relationships so badly, you have these deep loneliness, and you can’t seem to get it.
Be careful of your language, say only the things that you mean. And mean the things you say.
Don’t say things out of convenience. Lie out of convenience. It is a white lie, you say. It does not do any harm. To me that is the most repulsive thing. Unkind. Period.
In relationships, that is the worst thing you can do. Because, deeply, what it really means is that you don’t care about the other person at all. And you don’t have to, no one is entitled to your care, but lying out of convenience while making it look like it is a response of care – That is the worst!
You owe people your honesty if you want to build trustworthy relationships. Life can be simpler.
But we wont be. We want us to come across a certain way.
Someone once told me, she is holding a workshop for people to be honest. To me it is absurd. Granted, I do also lie, a lot, there is no need to cultivate honesty. That is just trying to add shit on shit. Another layer of coating.
It is like people trying to be authentic, trying to be oneself. That’s laughable.
Don’t lie! Period. What remains is honesty.
There are no real relationships because of this habit.
And we create exercises, attend workshops, to cultivate relationships. Cultivate ‘vulnerability’. Still we feel disconnected. We struggle and effort, in doing that, to ‘create’ relationships out of our knowledge from these workshops, and popular relationship advice. We goal-set, as we would with our work.
Will that work? I can see more and more frustration in doing that, in out of all that effort – we give up, saying too much work.
Don’t effort! Don’t learn or cultivate how to relate. Don’t do relationships exercise, no workshops. Stop pinning the latest relationship advice. Stop propagating this message on social media.
But I understand, we live in a world, where we say we want deep fulfilling relationships, but we just can’t seem to achieve it, it is always the fault of the other, something is not working! – yet you are not willing to drop the act, you have been acting consciously or unconsciously out of your habit.
Are we looking for intimate, trustworthy, relationships? Or are we just looking for people to support us in our insecure times, planning for old age, planning for financial support if we become unemployed, planning to use people as ‘security objects’? Or emotional support, the worst kind – because that is the most selfish and narcissistic kind of hole that you are trying to fill.
What are we looking for? To me it seems we should be clear on this point.
There’s a place for support – utility. I feel to continuously know each other, to have a relationship, to keep each other engaged in each other’s field, you have to look at each other, with honesty, outside these slogans and ideas.
Slogans become ideals and expectations. Expectations of fantasies. Fantasies that are hard to fulfil, that stay as fantasies.
Break the automatic response, break the habit. Don’t watch slogan and ideas rich – TV shows on Netflix. Don’t listen to motivational tapes or read self-help books. Don’t watch the romcoms. Watch them for entertainment – but don’t bring it into your relationships. Don’t say ‘Awwwwww’ when you see the couple on TV doing something repulsively romantic.
Find out for yourself, what relationship is!
That can be the real meditation.
Not repeating a formula, taking 10 minutes out of the day, and the rest continue being the way we were. For those 10 minutes, you struggle. Trying to make something work for you.
Now we know we operate through our habits, is it possible to be aware of our responses, and drop it. It does not require any practice. It doesn’t need any cultivation. It is a moment by moment thing.
Will you drop it? Do you care? Because that is the foundation, right?
You have to be serious in order to love, you need to care. Not ‘caring’ or to caretake. But to ‘care’ – to be serious.
Because one of the most important things in one’s life is their relationships, I feel. So this has to be a priority!
So break the habit. The habit of automatic responses. Drop it! Actually no action. See if you are in the habit and don’t move any further. Stop dead in the middle. Don’t do a different thing, because that will be staying in the habit. Like trying to be honest.
Say only things you mean, and mean the things you say.
If you care for another, or you claim you do, at the very least, drop this habit.
Or are you just lonely? and not have many friends? Or lovers?
Do you say you are an introvert? As I would say?
Or is it just that you have very strong prejudices. I feel there is a difference between being lonely, and ‘alone’. Independent. Not the sort of ‘being independent’ that is being thrown around.
Being independent with one’s own mind, with no dependency on slogans, and nice words, with no expectations built based on ideals, fantasies, not dependent on sentimentality – which is just more vanity. A mind that does not depend on others’ opinions – whether it is to agree with them or disagree with them, but is independent to find out, what others are like.
Maybe then we can continuously observe and engage each other and therefore be related in a meaningful way. Throwing away all the maintenance, tolerating, trophy relationships. Not throw away the people, but the way we relate, the current superficial way, that is heavily based on fancy words with no felt meaning to people.
So why do relationships fail?
They don’t fail, it is just that they never started. We approach a relationship with our slogans and ideas. You’ve had a relationship with your ideas and conditioning. You were indulging yourself. You never saw the other.