I am deep in my self doubt and not having any confidence. And you know what? I don’t even believe that I am doubting myself more. I just have this story to keep myself stuck. Yet if I measure my actions, this looks like stuck-ness.
Certainly not movement. I hate myself.
One of my teachers, he says, I’m pure being of joy. And he also says what is true for me is true for others. And recognise that I am not the only one. This helps, To know that I am not the only one.
A little bit.
I am trying to have compassion to others and to myself.
I want to be compassionate. And then again, I don’t want to be compassionate, I want to take care of myself first. It is a very egotistic thought. Now what? I am fucked.
Now, do I have any idea that how many people think the same way. That “I want to take care of myself first, and I don’t care about others, I have put my entire life so far pleasing and taking care of and now for once I want to take care of me. And now all I can hear is I am a selfish prick, I don’t put anyone else before myself”
You know what? I am not the only one who thinks this way and berate themselves. Now for that I take in all your suffering and berating yourself and send you my highest aspirations and love. Because I know how it feels. You’re loved.
That’s how it goes my friends. You’re not the only one. Even if you were a serial killer, you are not the only one. Be compassionate to yourself even when you don’t want to. Recognise that there are other people who does not want to be compassionate to themselves. Here we find connection and healing.
Everyone is acting out of reaction and hurt, it is not about you, it is not even about them. It is ultimately about the experiences that they had that causes such an activity from them. It’s neither them or you. It is life. Because deep underneath there is unexpressed love. Their love might have been rejected in the past and may be they got hurt, and now when you pour your love on them they don’t hear it. They are reminded of their hurt when they did that. Think about this, are you ever mean to others when you’re happy? When you’re angry, where is the anger really coming from? Is it them making you angry or making you feel like you’re small?
No! deep underneath we believe that we’re unloveable and we think we’re the only ones. There’s plenty of people who feel the same way.
Lonely! desperate! empty! needy for love and connection, hungry!
And you think you’re the only one. How can you be so arrogant?
Friend! Friend! me too!
Now I want you to be free. I want you to be fearlessly compassionate to you. This will emanate and free others.
I want to leave you here with a simple practice that I do. It is called Taking and sending! This comes from Buddhism.
Here’s the practice of taking and sending. This needs to be done moment to moment, whenever you recognise that you’re in a spiral of berating yourself. Self love is a practice like anything else.
Whenever anger, sadness, doubt, hatred arise, imagine you’re feeling the anger and sadness of all your friends, family your country and of the planet.You’re feeling everyone’s darkness. You’re feeling it, and as you feel it, recognise your love for this being. This being has a super power, this being transforms this anger, sadness, unworthiness, doubt, hatred and loneliness into love and compassion. And recognise that this being is you. Feel your love for yourself even after you having taken everyone’s anger, unworthiness, you feel love and compassion for yourself. Now, you want to send this love and compassion intentionally back to your friends and family. Your nation, and your planet.
Recognise that this is your super power.
Always include yourself in this practice, I am not talking about martyrdom.
I am talking about being a God.