So,

Here we are.

What am I to talk about?

Starting all articles the same way. That is what I think about when I am about to start writing. So it seems to be fitting that I write it here. Authentic isn’t it?

Is trying to be authentic, authenticity?

Is trying to be honest, honesty?

The thinking is, or the reaction is, I believe that I am dishonest and then out of that dishonesty, I say ‘I will try to be more honest’. Is that honesty, or is it more dishonesty?

That kind of honesty has its roots in dishonesty. Why do you want to be honest that way?

What is the motive behind it? To gain affection, to be good?

What is your reason for wanting to be authentic?

To be liked by women, the dating experts say, be yourself, be authentic. Attract beautiful women by being honest.

Be authentic, be yourself.

Is n’t it again a trick that you play on yourself. Be authentic so that she likes you?

I come back to relationships whenever there is a psychological issue like this because I wonder as said in the book, “the courage to be disliked”, all problems are somehow relationship problems.

And more than that, the reason that I come back to relationships as an example to demonstrate the problems – it may be that I may be desperate for some love – so I may be making up stories about how others are doing it wrong so I can soothe myself, be okay with my loneliness in a sense.

I am better than others that is why I am lonely because I tell the truth and that pisses people off.

So to be better, to be good, I want to be authentic.

That is why I am lonely because I am a good person.

So it may be, wanting to tell the truth, becoming truthful, or more authentic is, maybe, you trying to be good so that you can be loved in a way, or to justify your loneliness if that makes any sense.

OR, you are just a dishonest person. We all are dishonest people, capable of extreme violence, we kill, with our words, through our actions, we insult, we want to be superior, want power over others.

We derive great pleasure in making others feel small.

We are just that. Malicious.

And knowing this, you don’t like it, and everything else is a reaction.

Out of that, you invent ideas like, ‘love yourself’, ‘be positive’, avoid negative people. All that nonsense.

But you are playing the same game of becoming superior.

You want to tell others what to do, you want to be the expert at some point. Especially the spiritually woke people, they want to tell others what they should be doing.

They want to be the expert, knowledge is their security. But repeating something that you have read, or someone has said, only makes you a robot. Mechanical.

Or, following a romanticized version of finding yourself, because such a story holds a lot of weight in terms of the hero’s journey or the heroine’s journey, overcoming the odds and all that.

We are invested in words, things that sound good, we explain things a lot.

We explain what beauty is. But the word beautiful and beauty are – ‘actual beauty’ – different things. it has to be, one is an explanation. Out of your fantasy. The other one is beauty itself.

We like to hear what seems to be beautiful things. We like being ‘compassionate’, ‘kind’, ‘sweet’, ‘loving’, ‘caring’ etc and all that, without ACTUALLY being any of that.

And that is enough, you utter beautiful words and commit the most atrocious acts in the name of beauty.

Its the will of God, you say, there is some kind of spiritual beauty in that, and let’s condemn everyone who does not subscribe to that belief.

And I have heard people saying ‘let go’, that is what the key is, letting go of control, ok genius, tell me how do you letting go of control? is that possible? trying to let go IS control. This is so obvious, and yet people say these kinds of silly things.

I have talked a bit now, started somewhere, ended somewhere.

What have I told you? I feel – nothing.

There are no realizations, awakenings, knowing, that happens at the end of an explanation. Because even now as I write this, I am feeding the romantic fantasy of mine, that I am writing a certain way, poetically, I am saying something meaningful, that is through-provoking, etc, etc.

An explanation can not bring about any kind of, sense of touch with actuality. Wanting to know the actuality, the truth, etc is the fashion now, yet another idea that the mind is chasing.

Also, that will mean that pursuing the truth, that I am not dumb like others, in essence playing the same game, there is no end to this.

Any kind of superiority, moral or otherwise, knowledge-based, goodness based, kindness based whatever it is automatically, it implies, that you condemn others.

The pursuit of truth and these silly people are saying express your truth.

My truth, express your truth, and that is freedom, right. That is nonsense too. That is again the same movement of mind.

Essentially what is the benefit for me at the end of it all, is there a motive? How can I benefit? And that is freedom. Expressing yourself. you experience a sense of release after expressing yourself, and that release is your benefit. but that I doubt is freedom.

I can go on telling things, my opinions, in the name of expressing myself, I think I am only making a fool of myself. People will listen, some, because you are saying something that others are not saying, and there is then the attention that you gain from that. A sense of ‘I am saying things that others are not saying’ and then you separate yourself from others.

Which lead to the condemnation of others.

you want to look cool going against, what do you say? Against the grain, is that the expression?

And you like the attention you get from that, being unique.

We are playing the game of dominance and superiority everywhere. Is there any other game to play?

Freedom is not expressing yourself everywhere. why do you have to express? Because you think you are weak! You think someone is oppressing you. And somehow you say the things that you want to say. Stand up for yourself, you express yourself. All that nonsense.

This kind of expression is just strengthening that you feel weak. You grow more and more powerless.

Young people, these days are encouraged to be express, they are being told, ‘you are so special’, you are the goddess, you are the woman, you the man. Well more women are told this than the man. It just leads to incompetence and stupidity, not power and freedom.

And quite frankly, I have seen people doing this, let me be a hypocrite here, and that is just repulsive. I do it A LOT as well.

Saying nothing, not expressing yourself is that what is needed to go wherever this is going? I don’t think that either, I think both are two sides of the same coin.

You just move from one end to the other, you oscillate like the ball, from one side to the other.

Anyway.

We want to be loved, and we think the way that we can have that is by pretending that we are special, putting others down. The do-gooders, the positive thinkers, the spiritualists are all playing the same old vicious game, but have coated and presented it in a way that even they have failed to recognize that they are playing the same game, and haven’t changed a bit.

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