How do I do something? I often ask that. At my work I ask, ‘how do I code this piece of software’? In relationships, I ask, ‘How do I communicate this thing to her’, ‘How do I ask someone out’, ‘how do I approach someone’, ‘How do I communicate this to my family’, ‘How do I tell her that I am angry?’
‘How’ implies planning. The “how” works from the field of knowledge. Knowledge is what you know. Stored in your memory.
It implies, thinking, script making, in order to execute something. It is planning. It is great when it comes to work. You can solve a problem by asking ‘How’
The problem though, however, is when you start asking the same thing where your knowledge has no or little value. For example, relationships.
Relationships involve care, above all. It is not a question of ‘How’. You can’t plan how to care!
If you do, you don’t care. You are in your head.
Relationships imply that there needs to be communication, not just talking. There is an exchange of information and feelings.
When you ask the ‘How to communicate’, you are not communicating. You say, ‘I will structure what I am going to say this way, so it will come across like I am not blaming her, but still communicating, well, guess what?, you are not communicating.
You are going in with a script, and hence in your head.
The ‘How’ inherently creates a script to which you have to stick to. Creating all sorts of problems.
You are not present with the other. You are caught up in your own self centric activity to present yourself the best way, because that is what it really is. You are always thinking about yourself when you ask ‘How’.
How is the wrong question to ask.
Scripts and planning do not work in relationships. It just does not stop there.
To become independent, have a clear mind, asking how, puts you in the same position of confusion. It means that you have to weigh the options for the best routes in approaching clearing your mind, or say, to make a decision. And you end up analysing and therefore paralysing.
You are caught up in your thoughts and not clearing your head at all.
Planning is not same as action. Planning is a distraction from action, to postpone action. You think it might lead to some action. Something new, but it won’t. You are only repeating what you have known with planning. And that is the last thing that you want to do in the realm of the mind.
It gives you security though, there is comfort in repeating what you have already done. That is why we are eager judge, conclude, confirm what we have known. And we continue to find evidence for our opinions.
Repeating what works is useful in business, it gives you efficiency etc. Even then it needs to adjust to the changing trends in the market. Your old formulas wont work.
‘How to’ is a lazy man’s question, one that does not want to live his life, rather live someone else’s idea of life.
It is easy for us to get caught up in the details of execution than execution itself.
A question of ‘how’ triggers the mind and puts in a problem solving/fixing position. You can’t stop seeking. You are in it for a solution. And solutions, you will find, but it won’t be solutions, it will be only more problems that will lead to more how to-s. And then you realise in the end all the problems are a single problem, a web of problems. You are going in circles.
Know when to abandon the field of knowledge and enter intelligence. The intelligence beyond the thoughts themselves. That is the most rational thing to do, if you don’t want to repeat things again and again and open yourself up to the new. These are not just fancy words, it is much simpler than that. It is an absence of thought created delusion. It is an absence of biases, confirmations and conclusions. It is an openness where you perceive without the translations of your inner voice.
Abandon your knowledge about relationships when you approach relationships. Abandon what you know about a person, because, really, ask yourself, do you know the person? You have been constantly asking yourself the question of how to connect with this person, and then you devise a plan, and execute. You feel somewhat an average sense of connection, a rather illusory one.
If you have not done it any other way, you are only connecting with your thought created idea of the person, and that is kind of disgusting. Because even when you say you love them, it is really your thoughts loving your thoughts. It is kind of you loving yourself. I guess there is nothing wrong with that, but don’t say you love someone else.
If you want to approach someone attractive, in my case a girl (or woman or whatever), and want to talk to her, don’t ask how, don’t go into devising a plan. Show up and let it take care of itself. And for that, to abandon the security of knowledge in creating a connection, that is what the absence of fear is. It is not courage or confidence that you need.
If you think you need courage or confidence, you are still acting from a position of what you have been told.
Past experience is little or of no value when relating. What you have known from one person may be different to another person. This does not mean they are different to each other, we are all the same, we share the same emotions, fear, anger etc. That’s not what I mean. I am talking about communication.
There is no communication if you have concluded certain things about people, you can’t hear what they say, neither can you communicate what you have to say.
Thus, the question of how traps you, in an illusory sense of progress, ability and intelligence etc. But it is the most foolish thing to do.
There is nothing to fix in your life and in your relationships.