I should be doing something.
that is what I am thinking. I am uncomfortable when I am not doing anything. Then again I am uncomfortable doing something when I don’t know the outcome of that something.
How do I balance this?
Do I need to balance this?
What is the question here? What is the problem? What is the root cause? Surely it must be fear? No, I don’t want to make any conclusions.
Fear of a meaningless life. Wasting time. Fear of regret after 10 months down the line. If nothing changes now, the future is also the same. All the time is in the now. Because now creates the future, the future does not exist. Nor does the past. I’ve been recreating the past this whole time.
Fear of regret. So it is not the fear of meaninglessness? Is it a fear of regret. Knowing that I could have done something and I did not. Is that same as guilt. I don’t care.
I need to move past this. Or to end it right now.
Doing nothing. That is a source of fear too. Why?
If I am doing nothing, that makes me lazy.
And lazy makes me what? Disrespected. Not wanted. Does this go back to my childhood fear of being accused of (even if they may be right) being lazy?
Am I lazy? If I am what then, why is that a cause of shame?
Is it fear of death. If I am about to die, I will look back and think I could have done something but I did not. So that is regret again.
This analysis won’t get me anywhere.
So the next question is how does this shame come about?
Is shame always related to the fear of not being loved? Fear of abandonment.
What is shame?
Is it all the ridicule, and bullying in the childhood that caused this shame. And perpetuating itself. I have to look at the now to see what is happening now because I can see the past by looking into the now.
I think there is a level of hiding and dishonesty that causes this shame. What about all the bullying and ridicule, what was I hiding then? I wanted to be respectable, I wanted to be seen amazing so I am loved because I believe if I am not amazing I am not worthy of love. That kind of love is not loving anyway. That is just wanting attention. Totally a self-centered behaviour. Me, me.
So it is essentially the self-centered want that is causing the shame. Behaving a certain way so I will get something, and someone says I am not that thing that I want to portray myself as so I will get something. So I get angry. I feel disrespected. And I feel small. I am found out. That breeds resentment. And because I can’t punish the people who I think are causing it, I feel comfortable feeling ashamed. The powerlessness.
It is the self-centered want to being a certain way or wanting something that puts the whole thing in motion. The need for attention.
Shame is in relation to other people. It can surely exist only in comparison to others – the need for attention. The self-centered want is the need for security. As I want more security that way, in the form of attention, etc, that only causes more insecurity. Wanting to be included in the groups, the society, we pretend to be a certain way. That is shame too.
Someone rebelling as a reaction, to being nice to his whole life, says, I am going to be selfish from now on, and starts becoming the so-called asshole, is in the same shame loop. Because being nice clearly was n’t working so maybe becoming an asshole will. These are just two ways of going about getting the same thing. Attention.
I have deliberated and I have thought about it. Maybe even I actually found the root cause of Shame. Does this actually change the quality of my life? Knowing the cause of something. shame, fear – does it actually end fear shame?
Or does it only serve as the source of more inaction, by blaming the ‘trauma’ that’s there? If it does, I am still trying to make me feel special because I have this special trauma, you should give me special treatment, – more attention. I want to be in the center. That is still the same movement.
Does having such information affect the quality of life is naturally the next question. What is the measurement of quality?