I am discontent with who I am right now, in terms of skills, success, relationships, and so on.

Then I make an execution plan to overcome all of that. I am avoiding how I feel. Who I am.

Every time I feel bad about who I am and the quality of my life, I create a mental plan on how I am going to change those things, step by step. Strategizing.

But not actually doing it.

I say, planning to execute when the situation arises. But not yet, not now. That, I am not in the right situation to execute it. For example, I resolve to meet more women, in order to fix my relationships, but I am home, there is no immediate action that I can do to meet new people sitting at home. I have to go out. So it is comfortable planning about something that is not ‘now’, but in the ‘future’

Whenever I ask how, I suspect, there is, that I am talking about doing something always that is in the future. I am dealing with fantasies.

I wonder if it is the avoidance of what I feel, what I feel is loneliness and sorrow, and anger.

As long as I talk about it, to myself, mentally, I get a sense of progress from it. I imagine the execution, the fantasy of it. There is pleasure in it. I am attached to the images of execution and the pleasure derived from it. Having a relationship is not my concern, but my fantasies are important to me.

Also, I think it is about maintaining that self-image to myself, lying, and convincing myself that I am a certain way.

I talk about being afraid of making mistakes because I fear rejection, or being judged by others, when in fact, I suspect, it is me that I mostly concerned with convincing. I want to convince myself. I want to live a lie, it is better to live in an illusion of myself, who I am rather than confront the ugly truth, that I may be lazy, unskilled, incompetent, and so on.

But, at the root of it, maybe it is comparison. If I don’t compare, I will not go through this cycle of planning, convincing myself to be a certain way, because, by comparison, I have concluded that whoever I think myself to be is not enough.

I wonder, to end that comparison, is to end the cycle of planning to avoid, procrastination, lying to oneself, end the fear of rejection, fear of failure.

I can’t ask how not to compare, because I am back in that loop.

You feel something, you compare yourself to an ideal of something that you think will make you feel a different way, so you set out to plan to reach that ideal. Is that the process?

Maybe confront the feelings, and not distract myself an inch. Through plans and ideas.


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