No one likes a doormat, right? I mean a person who allows others to walk all over him or her. I’m talking more specifically about men in relating to women. Have a spine already, right?
Have your own opinions. Don’t blindly agree to everything she says. Or to anyone. Other men too. Be a light onto yourself. Be your own authority. Make up your own rules. As an adult you can own up to do that.
Doormat people are that way because they believe that if they disagree or rock the boat, they will not be loved. They will lose the love they have already. But the love you have now, is that real love. Isn’t the other person same as you trying to own you – have no respect for you. That is not love brother. Or sister.
Not only in relationships, but in any relationships, it is important to have a spine. To disagree, to get angry etc.
There is nothing wrong with showing anger. In fact, you will be less angry if you listen to yourself. By being selfish that way, others actually benefit around you. They don’t have to deal with your whining, don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing to you, they can expect honesty from you. Because they know that you will tell the truth even if it means you will be disliked.
The courage to be disliked is what will give your freedom. It is not an active seeking of dislike from others, but not depending on other’s kind words or words of affirmation to dictate your life. In short living on your terms.
When you take a complement and a criticism with the same weight, you know you are living on your own terms. Because complement and criticism are the same things, things that interact with your sense of self. How you derive your worth. But they are same.
When someone praises you, it is their reaction to their image of you, how they see you.
Similarly, when someone criticises you, it is their reaction to their image of you.
We create our images by creating images for others and comparing us to that image.
So, when you stop comparing, you stop creating your self-image. Your self is always comparing against something, other people, things, how much money you have, how successful you are and so on.
This is the same reason, I think, self-esteem is bullshit. Confidence in bullshit. Sure, others will tell you, that you are negative or angry or why can’t you smile more etc. But it is their own incapability to reconcile what would happen if they were not smiling – and therefore be not liked by others. They think in order to make friends you have to keep smiling. Don’t believe it.
You don’t have to say you love yourself, because that action in itself is saying that you don’t love yourself, it is a reaction. Don’t do it.
I think, anything that is created by will, that is ‘I am going to do something to change’ is the thing that wants changing. You say you want to overcome fear and do something, that is still fear. You go on reaffirming your fear without realising it.
There really is nothing to do. When will and effort stops, then, I believe, there is transformation.
We need to at least get this intellectually, then we can enquire into what we can do actually to test it out.
Will cannot bring about psychological transformation, Of course you can do external physical things to better at a skill, repeat it like going to a gym etc. Want more money? Just pick a smart job that will give you the best money for the minimum effort and repeat. We know it works.
But that is not the same as bringing about an internal change.
This internal change is necessary to have good relationships. With others, romantic relations, non-romantic ones, with your friends, parents, kids, etc.
If someone dislike you because you are thinking on your feet, then that is not your job. It is someone else’s job to dislike and like you. Not your job. You just keep on learning and doing what you are doing. Question, and investigate.
Find out yourself.
Disagree. State your opinions, wants and needs. Ask for the things you want.
That is how you start not being a doormat.
Start taking your space.
You need energy to do this. Stop masturbating, stop pub crawling, stop mindless numbing with Netflix.
Stop all energy wastage. Do not intervene in other’s tasks, what someone else does and thinks is not up to you. Don’t advice. Don’t convince, don’t defend.
Don’t give a fuck.
When you intervene in other’s tasks, you are saying, I want you to behave the way that I want to, which is stupid, people are going to do whatever they want.
Don’t waste energy.
Create boundaries. You don’t want to share something? Don’t. You want to ask something? Ask.
Don’t be afraid of upsetting others. Be courageous enough to offend others so you can invite others into connection.
Drop your need to be loved. Be alone – but not isolated. Be alone – but engage.
Have a mind that stands alone.
Don’t try not to be a doormat in order to be liked either.