Life in Lockdown

So I am stuck in Birmingham. Normally, I am on vacation this time every year for the past few years.

I usually work for 6 months, on a contract, as a developer and then take about 2-3 months off.

Now, I am stuck in Birmingham.

Normally, when I am not working I go to cheaper Eastern countries or back to India.

Last year (2019) I spent a lot many days, about 6 months in India. I wanted to be with family, with my mom, and sister.

There was also the comfort of getting all meals on time, Keralan style. Without having to do anything on my own.

This year that seems to be not going to be the case.

I am stuck in this airbnb, here. I keep extending the current one.

Because I can’t book any other Airbnbs in any other cities because Airbnb is not accepting any bookings at the moment.

I also had a virus scare earlier in April. I thought I had it.

I had all the symptoms, and I was getting worse. I couldn’t get tested, everytime I called my GP or 111 they said only call 999 if your condition is life threatening.

Well I don’t want to progress to that stage. There were no clear instructions.

Local GP gave me antibiotics hoping it would go away, it didn’t, no infection markers, illness persisted. So if that didn’t work, I might have caught the virus I thought.

Since I could not get tested, I got tested privately through a private clinic in London. The test came back negative, that was when I was settled a bit in myself.

So far my policy was, be alone, that way I am independent. No relationships, no friends nothing. It served me well, apart from the loneliness, occassionally.

But it is during one of these kinds of scares when you can’t walk to the next room, you can’t go out to get any medicine, there is no one that I want to ask help from, that your rigid rules might start to break down. I thought at one point, maybe it is not such a bad idea to be in a relationship.

I know, that is such a bad reason to be in a relationship, that is pure me using someone else for my security. That is something, the last thing that I want to do. But in all honesty that thought did cross my mind.

Anyway that was soonish over, well took about 8 weeks for me to get better.

Now I pass time, watching netflix and eating. I started to put on more weight, so I started fasting.

Normally I would spend my day in a nice cafe, walking around the city or looking at beautiful girls.

But that, I can’t do anymore.

So I talk to my mom and sister, and even reconnected with some old friends.

Reconnecting with old friends was a tricky one, it just reminded my why I cut off any relationships with them in the first place. So that ended pretty soon.

Now I am most of the day, sleeping or left with my thoughts. A lot of them don’t even make any sense to me.

I am noticing, there is a lot of, ‘what should I do now’. What next?

Why am I not successful? Why am I alone, why am I still dependent on others’ opinions etc etc.

I am left with my thoughts. Not to sound all hippy like, but it is an interesting situation to be in.

I hope life will return to normal soon. Flights will restart. And I can move around a bit.

I am not ready to go back to work though, I don’t want to, at least the virus is under some sort of control. I have great fear of dying, I have come to realise.


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