I quit my job again.
What is next?
I am going to Timisoara, Romania to start my trip. Long term travel has always been on my mind.
I am also a bit scared because I do not have a lot of money.
I will probably give you an idea about how much money I have to spend after calculating how much debt and taxes I have to pay etc.
I do have some debt, about 15K I suppose. We will see. May be a bit more. I think it is around 20K.
I spent a lot of money on self development programs last few years.
I don’t regret it, a little bit may be.
I have learned some things too.
I can coach people now, on various topics such as money, courage, emotions, meditation and relationships.
I have done good with my job too.
I am a contractor, works as a web developer, programming in PHP and symfony ( the techies will get it) my average daily rate is £450-£500.
Which is not that bad.
I was dead broke 3 months ago.
So I am grateful that I have the skills to go back to the old job (even though I don’t enjoy it as much as I used to), I know that I can make some money.
Now I want to pursue this.
I did a similar thing when about 4 years ago.
I was lonely, the only real friend I had was my laptop.
I knew that people don’t generally care. No one gives a fuck.
So I quit my job then and then went on short trip.
Which lasted about 2 ish years.
It was an experience. Looking back it seems like I had a lot of experiences in those years than I had in my entire life before that. Well learning experiences in a good way. My background before that made me resilient (even if the process is slow). I believe that there is some spark in me, that keeps me going.
That belief is more important even if there might be some spark. It is true, how you grow up defines a whole lot of you, but not necessarily you.
The you is not a finite organism, it is constantly evolving. Not static.
So I did that then.
And then I was broke. I have that much in debt, the figure that I mentioned before.
But I took a contract job for three months and I think I can go on the road for a little while, while becoming a digital nomad. The current dream is to have a travel blog and have affiliate income from it.
I worked with Time Inc for the last contract and have some idea to generate money from writing and then affiliate marketing.
The more important thing is that I never want to work again for someone else again. I want to be the cliched be my own boss.
Well being the real boss of you has nothing to do with you conditions, but for the sake of this post, lets say it is.
I want to feel like a man, a man who has lived life.
I see a lot of old people around me, health and your body is not going to last forever. Even in your apex performance lifestyles. You don’t even know when you’re going to die. There are certain beliefs that I have about me that I am not trying to rectify now like ‘I am not good with women’ ‘I will never be in a relationship’. Which I am not trying to change anymore. If it goes away, let it go away on its own accord.
But there are some things, that I can do solo. That does not depend on the emotional risks with anyone else. This is one of them. Travelling.
I want to live life a little, you know.
I want to write about human consciousness, I want my writings to stand out. Consciousness, in search of love, sex and meaning. etc.. etc. It is a fantasy, I admit. But a worthwhile one I think, as longs as it does not remain as a fantasy and I do something about it.
Enough has been said about this by a lot of famous people or motivational speakers, ideas are worth nothing. Doing shit, and action is worth a lot.
Running in the wrong direction is better than staying still.
So we will see this is the wrong direction or not.
And also I am leaving behind the friends I have made in the last few years, I’ve had enough of people :-). Not really. I love and hate people at the same time. It is one of those things, you hate something that you want so much. In this case connection, not just any connection, some meaningful connection to me. But in the end no one gives a fuck about your feelings as Gary Vee would say. I think it is quite true too as well.
Staying with the orgasmic meditation community in London, and travelling around America with this community and their personal development courses on sex, relationships, intimacy, power and leadership had been my focus. I wanted girlfriends, I’ve had them. They broke my heart. Well I broke my own heart. Lets not blame it on them 😉
They teach a practice orgasmic meditation and a lifestyle that goes along with it. In my future blogs there will be specific section where I will talk about this in detail.
I have stopped the practice of orgasmic meditation, I was not sure that it was the right practice for me. Or it has benefited me. I know that I got jealous when everyone was talking about how it changed their lives. Because all I was feeling, being judgemental about me was, ‘why is it not working for me’
I wanted intimacy with another woman. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had much sex there, I would not say a lot, I’ve had my fair share. I have had relationships there. But I have not touched the intimacy that I was craving. The honesty at which two people can relate to each other.
And that did not change.
I am still scared to see if leaving this all behind is the wrong decision. But I want to do it. Even if it is to prove myself wrong.
I don’t know how the next chapter in my life is going to look like, I guess it will have a lot of writing and travel and new connections and perspective, more sex and hurt and relationships? Perhaps.
It is a mix of feelings, Anger, disappointment, excitement, anxiety, sadness etc etc. It is a new cocktail mix of emotions.
So to Timisoara tomorrow, to begin the next chapter or continuation of this one.
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