This girl came to my hostel room the other day. She stayed for one night, and when I returned the next day, she was gone. Actually, she was not gone – she just changed rooms. We saw again in the elevator and she avoided eye contact and talking. We both knew what was going on.
I have to say, I got a little hurt by her actions, because she was afraid of me for some reason.
That got me thinking about the times that I would have hurt others because I was afraid of them. The times that I avoided them because I was afraid. Because they appeared a certain way, because they were hot, ugly or black (yeah, I know), wearing certain things, has tattoo etc.
Or merely because of my social anxiety, by thinking there is something wrong with me, that I am not good enough – all those times I avoided people.
Sometime back I was talking to this girl at a conference about my fear of women, that I am afraid to talk to women, she said there was a time when she was in university, she would go to the bar and no one would talk to her. And she said, she would then go home sad, thinking there was something wrong with her. She is pretty hot too. I could not understand. That’s how men’s fear of approaching women had an effect on her. She thought there was something wrong with her.
Sensitivity is not same as reactivity. Sensitivity as it is marketed today is really reactivity. Being sensitive mean being sensitive to the reality of the situation. Not the dramatic, thought-created version that causes most of the anxieties and fears – that’s merely reactivity. But it is revered. It is celebrated. It is celebrated as vulnerability.
Your reactivity based on the pre-conceptions about a person hurts them. That is violence. A fearful person is violent. Not that I am condemning violence because that would be again violence. Although I do condemn it – in all honesty.
I am not saying you should not judge people or anything like that, but I am saying it has its effects. Because we all judge. Because trying to be non-judgemental is still fear and you are in conflict with yourself. Any shadow side of you that you are in conflict with and trying ‘improve’ or ‘change’ or ‘transform’ is violence in your mind. And that will manifest outwardly.
And how can the possessor of such a mind be compassionate? Compassion nowadays is a reaction to one’s own state of violence – invented – to make oneself feel better. It is still violence reversed and is rooted in pure selfishness.
Fearful person puts on nice, polite mask but conducts violent actions. But I have to emphasise I am not using the word violence as to the degree to which people beat and kill each other, but still is the same energy, still is violence.
Fear causes people to lie ending up hurting others around them. Trying to be a good person like this, not trying to hurt out of the fear of hurting others, hurts others. Which is, in reality, is the fear of hurting oneself that usually masquerades as the fear of hurting others. Often people do this under the mask of being ‘compassionate’ or ‘kind’. It is merely a glorified form of lying.0