How to talk to someone you like?

How many times have you wished to talk to someone that is outside your social circle when you’re out and about?

May be to create a new friendship or to start dating someone new.

We have become dependent on our social circles.

If you don’t want to rely on your social circles to meet new people and start meeting strangers, read along.

I have compiled a list of tips that I have personally tried out often use in my own process of meeting new people. Most of them are second nature to me now.

These are applicable both to making new friends and meeting your future dates.

There is nothing like having the power to meet people where ever, whenever you want.

1. Know what kind of people you want in your life

Write down 5 things that are important to you.

For me they are

    1. Honesty
    2. Challenging in a positive way
    3. Vulnerable
    4. Someone who is independent
    5. Someone who is interested in personal development and understands spiritual development

2. Be clear on what your intent is when you approach someone

Being in a conversation that does not lead anywhere can be quite boring. What kind of experience that you have in mind with this person. Are you looking for a date or are you looking for someone to hang out with on the weekends?

3. Be responsible for your actions and yours only

You are only responsible for your actions, you are not responsible for how others respond to you. Take hundred percent responsibility for your actions and take zero percent for others. Your power is in how you respond to others reactions to you.

4. Breath from your stomach

Get into a habit of breathing from your stomach rather than from your chest. One way to do this is to place your hands on your stomach and take deep breaths so your hand moves up and down. This will improve your tonality and voice. This will also  calm down your nervous system and tell your brain that there is no danger.

5. Be cold or warm but don’t be lukewarm when saying Hi

Either be cold or warm in your approaches. Nothing is worse than a “Hi”  as if you’re unsure of saying “Hi”. If you are unsure about this practice this with a friend and ask her to tell you when you’re cold, warm and lukewarm.

6. Assume he or she is doing something and say that.

This is a conversation started that I have found to work consistently.

You look like____

Example if she is reading a book, you can say

  1. You look like you are really into that book.

It does not need to be anything fancy or extra creative. If you are trying to be creative then you get stuck in your head. Keep them positive and life giving.

7. Give a complement that acknowledges them for their efforts.

Don’t complement someone on their beauty unless they have put work into looking beautiful. When giving complements acknowledge them in something that they might have been working on. People love to be acknowledged for their efforts. And be specific, the more specific the better

For example: I like how elegantly you walk.  I like how you wavy your hair is.

8. You can also start with “Hi, What is your name”

I am not much of a complement guy. The best way to start a conversation for me is, “Hi, what is your name”.

You can use the same approach. And be more communicative in your body language. For example if I am approaching someone to ask for a date I will be more physical and be in their personal space a little bit more than I would with a friend.

9. Let go off the goal once you started the conversation

Know what you want but let go of the goal with the person that you are approaching because don’t know what they want yet. There is nothing worse than trying to build a relationship with someone who has entirely different set of values than you.

I have this rule which says “Seduction is enabling and empowering someone to do what they wanted to do all along, it is not about tricking them or manipulating them into doing something they don’t want”

10. If someone is not interested in you, that should be a turn off for you

Walk away if someone is not interested in you, don’t aimlessly persist.

There is a time to persist and other times you should just walk away. Say to yourself “this is valuable information about this person”

11. Say to yourself “This is valuable information about this person” if they are being nasty to you

This will  work in your favour in the long run and will save you from a lot of heartbreaks. You can use this saved energy to meet to people who will be interested in you.

12. If you persist with the wrong person, you are robbing someone who might be interested in you of the opportunity to get to know you

Think about this. People have a tendency to go after people who play hard to get and dismiss people that are “easy”. You want to meet the easy ones, who knows that they like what they see and feel.

13. In the beginning of the conversation keep it light.

Example. What are you doing today?

This will also help you figure out the logistics, whether they are with their friends or not. Ask some open ended questions in the beginning then you can drill down to specific questions once you have a sense of what they are most interested in revealing to you.

14. Be curious and be interested in them.

Ask questions that are interested in them. Not something that is an interesting question. Ask questions where they can reveal their personality to you.

Example: Why do you like this specific book?

15. Talk slowly and don’t rush

Make sure that they understand what you are saying and talk slow. Talking fast is a symptom of people who don’t normally get listened to. Don’t be in a rush to express whatever you have to say.

16. Use proper intonations

Ask questions like questions and make statements in the right way. Don’t turn statements in to questions. For example, my name is Hash? It is as if you’re not sure about your own name.

17. Answer questions with openness and vulnerability.

Be truthful when answering questions be open about your values and experiences. This shows courage and immediately makes you stand out.

18. Don’t floodlight – Be vulnerable but not too much

Vulnerability is all amazing and good. However pay attention to the level of rapport you have and open up accordingly. It might not be appropriate to talk about your childhood abuse with someone who you just met. They will only get stunned with your response and will not know how to respond.

19. Receive complements with grace

If they complement you, say “thank you” and let them know that you appreciate them telling you that. It keeps the energy moving.

20. Don’t judge people on their appearance – Beauty is not determined by appearance

People have a horrible habit of thinking beautiful people are beautiful and not so beautiful ones ugly. This is especially helpful if you want to approach someone who you think way out of your league. Even the most beautiful person has the same struggles as you and the most ugliest person has beauty in them. This will get rid of your anxiety especially if you are someone who thinks you are not attractive to be worthy of the person whom you are attracted to.

21. Get into the habit of connecting with people who are not as attractive as you

On the other side of the coin, contrary to the previous tip, actively make an effort to connect with people who you would not normally want to connect to, those who you think are less than you. This is not to show them how superior you are, it is to know that people are not their bodies. You will meet some amazing people this way. One you know that you will not be intimidated by others physical beauty anymore.

22. Filter out people who don’t take a genuine complement

It is better to end the conversation with people who can’t take complements. People who can’t take genuine complements often don’t think highly of themselves and are validation seekers. You will never be enough for them and these kind of relationships are toxic to you.

23. Volunteer information about you

Another technique you can use is to volunteer information about you so that they can be interested in you. Also this will convey that you are comfortable in talking about yourself in a vulnerable way which will give them the courage to open up a bit more. This will empower them to open up even more. Remember any conversation is to empower and enable them to do what they want.

24. Make eye contact when you are talking

This is a less easy one to do. It is easy for people to look some one in the eyes when they are talking but not the other way around. This is rather a vulnerable thing to do and will grow your confidence as you keep doing this.

25. Listen more and talk less.

We live in an attention scarce society. People love being listened. There is an entire industry of coaches and therapists who gets paid to listen. So listen more than you talk. Because after all you are talking to them to know more about them and not to brag.

26. Be comfortable with silence

When there is a silence don’t be quick to fill the gap. Give them the opportunity to stay silent or ask something about you. Besides, being comfortable with silence and still staying together in connection creates a sense of dynamic where you are not saying things to keep each other comfortable.

27. Make statements and don’t go on the 100 questions train

Avoid asking one question after another. You don’t want to interview them by asking questions that go nowhere.

Flip questions with statements to avoid making the conversation feel like an interview.

For example: Are you a student here? Change that to “You look like a student”. Often times they will correct you if you are wrong, or will agree with you if you are right and then you can have a follow up conversation.

28. Do not interrupt

Allow them to finish what they are talking about even when you have a pressing question.

29. Only exception to above is when the person is rambling

Sometimes when people are nervous they talk endlessly, it can be kind thing to take control and lead them in a different direction that will enable and empower them to express what they want.

30. Be relatable and explicitly state commonality

If they talk about something that you can relate to be explicit about it. For example if they are someone who recently moved to the city from a small town and if you have that in common with them be sure to say that.

31. Look for offers and jump off points in the conversation

Any conversation has certain jump off points. A jump off point is a place in the conversation where you can potentially go in a different direction and come back to the main topic. For example if someone says “I have recently moved to London for pursuing my masters”, the jump off points are “recently moved”, “moved to London”, “pursuing my masters”.

You can ask about the recent move and how they are dealing with it, talk about the choice of London and the subject of their masters.

32. Look for jump off points in your own story and ask them a relatable question.

When you are volunteering information about you or telling a story about you, look for similar offers, as above, in your own statements and ask them if they have had a similar experience or how their experience was like.

For example if I say “I used to play in mud fields when I was a boy growing up in India” I can ask if they had a similar experience when travelling or how their growing up experience was like.

33. It does not need to be an exact match

You can even say “that reminds me of the time I visited this small village, I got the impression that life there is blah blah blah, is it really like that?”

34. Clear your assumptions about the person

If you think you have any assumptions about this person, this is a great opportunity to clear them. This is genuine curiosity and will work very well.

35. Be authentic and stop trying to be a good person

Be truthful about yourself in the conversation. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone that are a good person so you can be liked. People connect more often on your imperfections because that is more relatable to them. Mean what you say and say what you mean.

36. Don’t be just a listener and an instrument to boost someone else’s ego

Some people just love to talk about themselves, even worse, complain. Don’t be that guy or girl who endlessly listen to someone else’s problems. Alway see if they are making your world better and you are providing something into their world. You don’t need such a connection with someone who always talks about themselves but are not interested in getting to know you.

37. It might be just that they are socially awkward

Sometimes people are just awkward. Let these ones go. They might ignore you or be outright rude to you, it just means that they are not in alignment with themselves and your own values. Be compassionate in response and let them go.

38. Exchange contacts only if you think this person aligns with your values and you want to continue the relationship.

That’s right, not the other way around.

A tip is to specifically say why you want to get their contact details.

Example: I like how honest you’re about that, I would love to get coffee.

or We should get coffee.

39. Say good bye by shaking hands or kissing on the cheeks relevant that is appropriate to the culture

In most cultures men shake hands or pat on shoulders. if you are interacting with a women you kiss on the cheeks. In some cases you can even hug women.

I have had some women say in Spain that they prefer Kissing because they think men don’t wash their hands after they take a leak.

Don’t make it feel like a professional meeting. Keep that for your office meetings.

40. Know that people do things because of themselves not because you

Getting in the right mindset is important when meeting new people. Don’t take their reactions personally.  If things don’t go quite the way you wanted, say to yourself “This is valuable information about this person” and wish them good luck and move on.

41. Acknowledge that you have gone after what you wanted and pat on your back

Give yourself permission to acknowledge yourself for taking action towards a life that you envision for yourself.

Now you have all the tips and tricks to start off, go out there and implement this. And don’t take the process so seriously.