Fear of hurt in relationships

Who gets rejected?

Who is rejecting?

I am afraid of being humiliated, maybe that’s because of one’s childhood. Strict parents etc.

The reason does not matter. Knowing the reasons for problems hasn’t solved the problems. I read a book, read something about the psychology of the problem, then I say ‘oh that must be it’. Then I go on to tell someone else, or even advice, someone, what to do with rejection or even coach them. And rationalize my hurts. And sometimes I am an expert all of a sudden because I have read a book or attended a few personal development seminars. Or have done the so-called ‘coaching’

But the reasons, the whys, that’s just an escape, an escape through explanation. The fear remains despite the cause, the hurt remains.

But really who gets rejected? Who gets hurt? When I say I am hurt. How am I hurt?

Can I end the hurt?

Can I be never hurt?

Why should I be hurt to begin with?

What is the state of the mind and body in the face of hurt?

There is definitely the sensation of hurt. The feeling of it. There is a reaction. The heat, the beating of the heart, a sense of feeling small. Perhaps even powerless. All of it

And then comes the meaning that I give to the sensation. The ways in which I interpret the situation.

Where one brings in one’s worth into question. Where I create an image of me that is being hurt, that is worthless, that is not confident, shy, not having done great things, painfully normal or boring, or maybe even left out from the normal crowd, because of one being an introvert. This image is perpetuated.

Maybe I even deserve such kind of treatment? Or the ‘perceived bad treatment’. It could also be that the other person is perfectly reasonable, and me being so sensitive, egotistic rather, feels hurt.

But is it all true?

I don’t even see the reality of simple things. I look at a table, and even then I have a million opinions about the table, I like that table, I don’t like it, it is not built properly.

The like and dislike, the opinions, are some sort of comparison. Comparison to an unknown baseline of standards.

I don’t see the table. All I have gone through is a bunch of words.

And where did these standards/words come from?

Given to me, taught to me by parents, and the rest I learned from my comparison to others. A lot of it has to do with the media and the entertainment industry. The romantic songs that were written, the soap operas, the chick flicks, the bond movies. All these have heavily conditioned us. How one should be?

That appears to me at this point, “how should one be?” that question is a very dangerous question. The ‘how’ is dangerous when one is looking outside for answer. Also the “how” is not important, you won’t know how, because all you know is what you already know, and there you don’t have an answer in the field of your known, so you can’t possibly know. Realizing this we look to others for the ‘how’. But then they also don’t have a clue.

I have created a lot of methods, formulas, going after these “how”s. And then I try to live by these formulas. The book of formulas, opinions, that is mostly not of my creation what I have borrowed is in operation.

So I live a second-hand life, I know myself only through others. By comparing myself to someone else. or their standards. Have I ever observed myself? I wonder.

In romantic relationships, I compare myself to other guys, and to the women. To the lives of people on Instagram, am I successful? am I attractive enough? Then I evaluate, I don’t have that lifestyle, don’t have the money, not attractive enough.

Also, I am going for the looks, when I look at someone. Appearance, words, all this superficiality have become much important. Not that I would ever settle for someone I deem is unhealthy.

But the fact is it is superficial.

So, I live through others in the sense that I am copying others.

I have never known myself.

Because I don’t know myself, I make conclusions about myself, I compare myself to others.

To know myself, I probably need to drop the image of me.

How am I to do that? Apart from the theory.

There is always the background of the past when I operate through daily life. The constant evaluation.

The recognition of things, this is this, that is that etc.

Is it possible to see something without the background of the past?

Is it possible to see the table? If at all I can, is it possible to see myself with the same level of simplicity I look at a table? May be taken something even more simplistic. A rock, perhaps!

Is it possible to watch my reaction to the hurt, or the feeling of hurt without the word ‘hurt’. I only know it is hurt because of the past.

What remains when the word is removed? I can only find that out when I do it.

So, how do I know that I am hurt? Can I drop the naming?

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