No one likes a doormat

No one likes a doormat, right? I mean a person who allows others to walk all over him or her. I’m talking more specifically about men in relating to women. Have a spine already, right?

Have your own opinions. Don’t blindly agree to everything she says. Or to anyone. Other men too. Be a light onto yourself. Be your own authority. Make up your own rules. As an adult you can own up to do that.

Doormat people are that way because they believe that if they disagree or rock the boat, they will not be loved. They will lose the love they have already. But the love you have now, is that real love. Isn’t the other person same as you trying to own you – have no respect for you. That is not love brother. Or sister.

Not only in relationships, but in any relationships, it is important to have a spine. To disagree, to get angry etc.

There is nothing wrong with showing anger. In fact, you will be less angry if you listen to yourself. […]

By |2019-02-22T03:21:48+01:00February 19, 2019|Journal, Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

Information is prison

We consume information. Whether it is garbage like the social media, gossip or it is the intellectual information, philosophy, knowledge for a skill etc.

We keep on reading and reading and reading, watching one videos after another and it does not simply seem to have an effect on the quality of our living.

Information gives us a false sense of security and an illusion of progress. Reading endless books and attending endless seminars, you may think, you are getting somewhere, but it is only a well-designed trick of the mind to give you an illusion of progress – that you are doing ‘something’ about it – well you are not.

Reading about becoming a good carpenter is not sufficient to be a good carpenter.

But it gives you the apparatus to talk about these things to other people, may be even show off with your knowledge. Does that mean you are good at it, absolutely no. It is obvious that talking about something and doing it are quite different things.

We recognize this in other people, but often fail to recognize within ourselves when we do […]

By |2019-02-09T21:10:32+01:00February 11, 2019|Journal, Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

Training Others How to Treat You – Key To Successful Relationships

You might have heard about this idea before. When you said that your boyfriend does not treat you the way you want to, or your girlfriend does not respect you.

And believe it or not, you can change your relationship if you know how to relate to one another. One such aspect of being in a relationship is to train others how to engage with you.

That’s right, people react to you differently. Think about it. You act differently with different people, right? You will not be the same way as with your mom as you are with your partner (if you are then you have a different problem)

Training others on how to treat you is not about controlling them, which is what most people think, when they hear something like this.

Taking a hard look at yourself and keeping your side of the street clean, always.

I want you to treat me the way that I want. For this, I might think that you are being unfair, and you are not respecting me and all that. But secretly I am eliciting behaviors, […]

By |2019-02-05T05:26:02+01:00February 5, 2019|Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

Do you know what meditation is? – Hint! It is not the marketed version.

Why do we meditate at all? Isn’t it to get better? To end suffering, to improve ourselves? To be stress free? Or some other version of it?

Most people seek out meditation to end suffering

I remember when I started looking into meditation it was to sleep properly. Thoughts kept me awake at the night and I was sleeping during the day. And it pushed me into a vicious circle of judging my situation for not sleeping, questioning my life, thinking my life was a failure and… something had to be done. The pain of being stuck was getting higher and higher.

Most of my pain was brought about by the loneliness. Not having someone to spend time with… Being an awkward kid, I was not – and I don’t think I am a very sociable person. Lack of connection also made me want to try out meditation so I will be able to transcend my thoughts, stay present and make a connection with someone, or at the very least get past the fears of rejection and talk to someone.

Do you think you are overly sensitive?

Let’s first make a distinction. What do you mean by sensitivity? Sensitivity is not same as reactivity. Are you being reactive or sensitive?

Reactivity comes from egotism.

An urge to protect your self-image. The idea of you is hurt so you have to defend it. So, you react. Egotism in the sense that, something is attacking your concept of you. If you think you are honest and someone calls you a liar, you get hurt. That is being reactive. Not being sensitive.

The world does not revolve around you. You might think it does, like a child thinking everything that is happening around him/her is his doing. Parents fight, the kid thinks that it is because of him. Someone says something to you out of their own insecurities, you think it is you. Someone rejects you, you think it is because of you.

The coffee you ordered happens to be cold, or the waitress is slow in responding to you, you think she is being racist or something else. You get offended and then you want to punish them. That is not being sensitive at […]

Be Yourself, What Does It Mean?

“Be yourself”. This is a very common advice that you get from others, when you ask what you shall do? – in your confusion. This is being thrown around a lot as advice.

What do you mean?

Don’t people please – or look for validation from others, that is what it means in simple terms. Validation in the sense that you needing to feel good, or to feel right about yourself based on others’ opinions. Be yourself means not to change your behaviour according to the circumstances. Don’t put on different masks in different situations. People notice the inconsistency in your behaviours, and this is why they are eager to give such an advice. Because they recognise those behaviours in themselves, and they don’t like that. Their ideal is also to be the one who is “being themselves”.

We don’t understand what is meant by the statement “be yourself” because we often don’t know we are in these people pleasing or validation seeking behaviours. So, something like “be yourself” has no meaning to us. After all who are we being right now? if we are not ourselves. It can be rather absurd to hear something […]

By |2019-01-03T12:24:35+01:00December 24, 2018|Personal Growth Tips, Relationships|0 Comments

How your fear can hurt others – compassion as a reaction to violence, niceness – lying out of fear

­­This girl came to my hostel room the other day. She stayed for one night, and when I returned the next day, she was gone. Actually, she was not gone – she just changed rooms. We saw again in the elevator and she avoided eye contact and talking. We both knew what was going on.

I have to say, I got a little hurt by her actions, because she was afraid of me for some reason.

That got me thinking about the times that I would have hurt others because I was afraid of them. The times that I avoided them because I was afraid. Because they appeared a certain way, because they were hot, ugly or black (yeah, I know), wearing certain things, has tattoo etc.

Or merely because of my social anxiety, by thinking there is something wrong with me, that I am not good enough – all those times I avoided people.

Sometime back I was talking to this girl at a conference about my fear of women, that I am afraid to talk to women, she […]

By |2018-12-22T10:07:18+01:00December 14, 2018|Journal, Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

Busyness, Avoidance, Anxiety of not Making Someone Out of You

Busyness – is it a symptom of something else? Is it a good thing or bad thing? Do you get points for being busy? Why are you always busy?

Being busy does not mean you are being productive. In fact, quite the opposite. Busy-ness stems from a fear of not being enough. A fear of being lazy. A fear of not having lived a worthwhile life. Wanting to look important in front of others. Busy-ness is being used as a measure of how much you are achieving without actually looking at what is being achieved. This kind of business is meaningless.

Busy-ness can be used as an excuse to avoid things that are actually challenging and important. ‘Can’t you see I am busy with something else?’- you say. You might be avoiding something that really needs looking at.

Relax and do only the things that matter.

Why do you do the things that you do? What is the reason behind your actions? What is the motive, what is the meaning – meaning as in – what is the outcome? […]

By |2018-12-24T20:49:31+01:00December 12, 2018|Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

Knowing Anxiety – Attention, Control, Pathology of Positivity

Anxiety is a state where you are worried about the future or about something that happened in the past repeating as a memory and being afraid that it might happen again. You are never in the present moment; your mind is always looking forward to things or ruminating over the things that happened.

An exercise like, mindfulness meditation that teaches to stay present to the present moment, without interpretation and meaning-giving – will help you manage your anxiety.

Attention through mindfulness. Attention is not concentration. Concentration is exclusive, you concentrate on a particular thing. Attention is awareness, there is no exclusion or inclusion. There is nothing to accept, things are there whether you accept or not. There is no seeking, wishing or hoping. Attention is goalless. You simply are aware of what is happening, what is, in the moment, around you, inside you, the sensations, the mood, the things that arises in your perception without labels such as happy, angry, tree, chair, blue, green etc – for all of these are the meaning that we give to things. And these stop us from further being […]

By |2018-12-24T21:07:22+01:00December 11, 2018|Meditation, Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

These Best Mindfulness Meditation Apps Have the Answers to Everything

When it comes to meditation people have a various questions, how to meditate, “I am a beginner, how do I meditate?”, “should I join a meditation retreat?”, join a cult, “should I be a full time or part time hippie?”, “should I go out shopping for vintage clothes and weird stones to wear to be able to meditate?” etc.

The essence of meditation is to be able to have a mind that is able to stand alone, without prejudices, judgement, not conflict with itself and no effort. It does not mean no thoughts, but the ability to see how thoughts, feelings, words distort one’s perception of the world.

For a beginner this might be a tad difficult to grasp. Especially if he/she wants to try meditation in order to fix something. In that case meditation only becomes a tool towards achieving something. Hence you are moving away from the experience of meditation.

A whole new set of attitude needs to be understood in order to approach meditation the right way. No grasping, no running, no fixing, no wanting to fix – none of that. But simply observing the inner workings of your mind – your psyche.

It is essentially […]

By |2018-10-20T12:22:23+01:00October 20, 2018|Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments
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