How your fear can hurt others – compassion as a reaction to violence, niceness – lying out of fear

­­This girl came to my hostel room the other day. She stayed for one night, and when I returned the next day, she was gone. Actually, she was not gone – she just changed rooms. We saw again in the elevator and she avoided eye contact and talking. We both knew what was going on.

I have to say, I got a little hurt by her actions, because she was afraid of me for some reason.

That got me thinking about the times that I would have hurt others because I was afraid of them. The times that I avoided them because I was afraid. Because they appeared a certain way, because they were hot, ugly or black (yeah, I know), wearing certain things, has tattoo etc.

Or merely because of my social anxiety, by thinking there is something wrong with me, that I am not good enough – all those times I avoided people.

Sometime back I was talking to this girl at a conference about my fear of women, that I am afraid to talk to women, she […]

By |2018-12-22T10:07:18+01:00December 14, 2018|Journal, Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

Planning To Visit the Cheaper Finland – Estonia

I am taking some days off chilling in Warsaw before my trip to Estonia. I will be meeting with one of my friends there and we have eight days planned. Because that was how much vacation days he could take.

Travelling from Warsaw to Tallinn seems like effort. If I take the bus it is about 19 hours, but I don’t think I can stomach it. The alternative is to take a combination of trains and buses, via Kaunas, Vilnius, Riga and Tallinn stopping and staying in those places. With only one week left to the trip I suspect spending 2 nights in each town be worth it. Besides I am not a fan of 2-day trips to anywhere.

I would rather spend a couple of weeks doing nothing, doing what I like, which is writing and spend time like that. Sometimes out of the need to generate content for my blog, I go out and visit some places. To create the next “Top things to do in a city”.

I don’t think I am a great fan of sightseeing that way, though I like travelling just for the feel and experience of travelling, new places, many trains […]

By |2018-09-28T20:39:34+01:00September 28, 2018|Journal|0 Comments

Why You Should Visit Lviv, Ukraine – Legends, Whips, Gas lamps and Baby sharks

Ukraine was my first destination after my Chile trip for my friend’s wedding.  I was conflicted whether to spend more days in South America or come back to Europe. Ukraine had been on my mind for some time now. Lviv especially, since a colleague of mine when I was working in Amsterdam mentioned it a few years back.

I had my reservations about Ukraine.

I was thinking,

Is it safe enough to visit? What the media portrays, how far is it from reality?

For I’d been told not to trust the news and mass media at all when travelling.

From Kiev To Lviv By Train

I landed in Kiev first. I did not like Kiev very much. People were rude to me. They were not friendly.


I understand that people don’t owe me help, but if at all help was needed, I could not easily find help. Luckily, I’d gotten a local sim card when I landed, and the internet made my life easier.

It is not to say everyone is like that, maybe it was because they were overworked in the capital city.

I often worry about racism and physical harm when I travel, something that I am working on, in terms of […]

By |2018-09-20T15:21:23+01:00September 20, 2018|Journal|1 Comment

Last 3 Months in Review

I have been travelling 3 months now since my last job. Hoping to make some money online. I did not.

To be honest I did not make a lot of effort to make that happen.

One thing that I am proud of though,  is that I have a habit of doing my writing practices in the morning every day.

My new found rhythm of meditating daily and writing daily is making me happy.

Something that was not very healthy

I went out and drank a lot for most of July. I had fun. It also caused me to be tired the next day. I woke up late.

I am stopping drinking for a while now. Let’s see how that will turn out, lets see if I will stick to it.


Developing a habit of socialising is important to me. My normal tendency is to direct my attention inwards and isolate. Then soon I start hating people. So that was one of the priorities. I am very consistent in talking to strangers and making new acquaintances. I am also flirting a little more than before. So that is good.

I am getting more and more confident with approaching women, getting comfortable with it. Though to […]

By |2018-09-21T12:58:01+01:00August 2, 2018|Journal|0 Comments

The Belief That I Am Useless

The belief that I am useless.

The belief that I am useless stops me from attempting anything.

I don’t want to fail.

You don’t want to feel the pain of failing.

You would rather pretend that you are capable and protect your ego, rather than putting yourself to test.

This is why we have a lot of talkers and not walkers.

On the other end of the spectrum is morally superior people

I do service and I am better than you.

They look down on people who is not doing what they are doing.

They think they are virtuous.

Is it really a virtue? Or is it protecting their own shortcoming.

How would they feel about themselves, if they suddenly stop being virtuous?

Would they still feel  complete?

Will they still feel their inherent virtue? that does not depend on what you do, how you live your life?

That is only dependent on your existence, your right to exist?

Do you really believe in the right to exist?

Morality is a curse.

Is being immoral better? I do not know.

What to believe?

To believe that I am useful.

Useful to who?

That […]

By |2018-06-23T12:08:20+01:00June 23, 2018|Journal|0 Comments

A little story about my own depression, what I can tell you to get out of it!

My first depression was when I was sent to boarding school. I felt abandoned by my parents, thought they only cared about having me scoring good grades and becoming an engineer or doctor.

I didn’t feel useful. I think that was the main cause of it. I felt useless. I resorted to violence and an inflated self importance to get attention. I was good challenging people though, I had caused chaos in my college, got expelled from two schools, though I was a top scorer. My grades fell eventually. I felt useless. I fell sick with migraines and I had to remove myself from noises and light and was very angry.

I think the lack of the feeling that were useful is at the source of it. My household was not a supportive environment. There was a lot of domestic violence, I got a lot of it. At that point also there were a lot of family disputes as well between my father and his brothers. So was in the middle of their fights with axes and iron rods and shit! This was my normal life. So it did not help much not getting depressed.

There were a […]

By |2018-06-19T11:16:41+01:00June 19, 2018|About Me, Journal|0 Comments

Dealing With Travel Fears – Here Is A List Of My Fears

When it comes to dealing with travel fears, there is mostly one thing that you can do.

It is to travel.

As with anything, overcoming a fear usually involves with engaging with the fear directly.

And how you do one thing, is how you do everything. This is why I love to use travel as my personal transformation too.

Each day I am getting more and more confident, in the following areas. I can say I am a lot different than from where I started off, 4 years ago.

Dealing with Travel Fears – My List

When it comes to travelling, each one of us have different fears.

I had to face a lot of fears when I started travelling. I am also continuously facing these one by one.

Hopefully you can relate to me in some ways.

I am learning to belong everywhere, I have come to an understanding that belonging is created by self acceptance. The level of self acceptance I feel determine the level of belonging I feel.

So Here’s the list

  1. Getting physically assaulted – I am thinking of doing a martial arts course for this.
  2. Going to Jail
  3. Getting mugged
  4. […]

By |2018-06-16T22:58:22+01:00June 16, 2018|Journal|0 Comments

Travel for Personal Transformation. 3 Comfort Zone Edges I Am Expanding

Travel for personal transformation. 3 Comfort Zone Edges That I Am Expanding

This post is about how I intend to travel as a means for personal growth.

I heard this one time Jason Silva talks about his creative process in creating videos. It turns out he is improvising in each one of them. He also talks about how he travels to a new place, or perhaps a change of environment to get the sense of the newness. To put him at the start of flow state. I am paraphrasing here, this might not what exactly he said. I don’t want to get in trouble.

So that was an idea.

I have several edges that I want to explore. The past 3 years, I’ve been experimenting with stating what I want and being true to myself. Stating clear boundaries with others, friends and girlfriends whoever that might be. And of course parents.

At some point I started to dislike it. If I am constantly stating I want to be congruent, this is who I am and that I am happy with being not happy, I was n’t getting anywhere. Perhaps the idea of ‘getting anywhere needs to be […]

By |2018-06-02T06:05:22+01:00June 2, 2018|Journal|0 Comments

Day 2 in Timisoara

On the second day in Timisoara.

I am still busy setting up this blog. I am trying to organise this thing. What to write about and what specifically to write.

Right now, I can say I like travelling, I like venturing into digital nomadism, and test this out. The life that I keep hearing about but never kind of completed it. I start it and then run out of money or loose motivation and then I compel myself to go back to being a boring programmer in front of the screen.

Well this time, it feels different.

I badly want to make this work. Probably not the best mindset for this, but a mindset nonetheless.

I worked mostly on the blog.

I wanted to get cracking so I went to the same place that I had breakfast yesterday. Neața Omlette Bistro. I had a bagel.

I am using this blog currently to document what I am doing and how I am doing stuff mainly.

Also to provide some insights into how I travel and something that can be useful for you. I am trying to be transparent here because I want you to understand the process of […]

By |2018-05-10T23:38:02+01:00May 10, 2018|Journal, Travel|0 Comments

I quit my job again..

I quit my job again.

What is next?

I am going to Timisoara, Romania to start my trip. Long term travel has always been on my mind.

I am also a bit scared because I do not have a lot of money.

I will probably give you an idea about how much money I have to spend after calculating how much debt and taxes I have to pay etc.

I do have some debt, about 15K I suppose. We will see. May be a bit more. I think it is around 20K.

I spent a lot of money on self development programs last few years.

I don’t regret it, a little bit may be.

I have learned some things too.

I can coach people now, on various topics such as money, courage, emotions, meditation and relationships.

I have done good with my job too.

I am a contractor, works as a web developer, programming in PHP and symfony ( the techies will get it) my average daily rate is £450-£500.

Which is not that bad.

I was dead broke 3 months ago.

So I am grateful that I have the skills to go back to the old job (even though I don’t enjoy it as much as I used […]

By |2018-06-03T18:09:50+01:00May 10, 2018|Journal|0 Comments
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