You might have heard about this idea before. When you said that your boyfriend does not treat you the way you want to, or your girlfriend does not respect you.
And believe it or not, you can change your relationship if you know how to relate to one another. One such aspect of being in a relationship is to train others how to engage with you.
That’s right, people react to you differently. Think about it. You act differently with different people, right? You will not be the same way as with your mom as you are with your partner (if you are then you have a different problem)
Training others on how to treat you is not about controlling them, which is what most people think, when they hear something like this.
Taking a hard look at yourself and keeping your side of the street clean, always.
I want you to treat me the way that I want. For this, I might think that you are being unfair, and you are not respecting me and all that. But secretly I am eliciting behaviors, that I am conscious of or unconscious of.
If you shout at me all the time, and I do not respond by saying that I don’t appreciate it, you are going to keep on shouting at me, right? My silence is the problem in this case. Or the lack of communication.
I have to have a hard look at myself, what am I doing or not doing that enables your behavior towards me. This part is the most difficult part, because it means that I have to admit things about me that is not pleasant or is hurtful to myself image.
Once you know what it is you have to rectify it from your part. Keep your side of the street clean. Always.
Sometimes saying is not enough, there needs to be line drawn. If I tell you, you are shouting at me is not good for me, but you don’t stop shouting at me, there is no meaning to what I am saying. I need to make it really clear by holding you accountable. Which brings us to creating good boundaries.
I have heard, good boundaries allow whoever is involved in the agreement to grow. It is not about putting up walls and using the boundary in itself to control others. Which will be again bad behavior, from my part, if I were to do that.
It is like, keeping the shit out of you. Because let’s be honest people throw shit at you verbally or otherwise constantly.
So, the next time you shout at me and I say, look, here’s the deal. If you shout at me again, we are not going to be friends anymore – or going to continue this relationship. It sounds like an ultimatum and it is. Would you rather be an abusive or in a loving relationship? And most often times people change their behavior, if the relationship is not based on an ego hit for themselves, by putting you down. If it is, you don’t want to be with the person anyway.
Moreover, they start to respect you.
It is not about commanding respect either. If I believe that I am not respected and try to create false boundaries into control the other person to respect me, I am just trying to manipulate their behavior.
As said before, keep the shit out and let the love in and also keep the shit in and let the love out.
Letting the love out does not mean being nice. Love comes with caring, which sometimes mean, it does not look nice, which means you may not be liked for saying certain things. If you are doing things to be liked, then you have another problem.
- You need to have a good and hard look at yourself the ways in which you are causing others to act the they act towards you, you need to be honest.
- You need to rectify it in yourself, keep your side of the street clean, so to speak
- Communicate and simply speak your mind
- Hold others accountable – moreover hold yourself accountable if others don’t conform. Nobody is forcing you to anything, you can always walk out of a relationship, if someone does not treat you very well.
If you can’t keep yourself accountable in walking away, removing yourself from the situation or the relationship altogether, you gotta ask yourself.
- Do I secretly like being treated this way, do I like it? It might not be healthy for you but do you like being treated like shit?
- Are you afraid of being lonely and you think that by engaging with you if at all, others are doing a favour to you? Which is ‘they are talking to me at least even if it is not nice.’
- Are you attached to an ideal relationship that you can present to others, so you find it difficult to leave because you are worried what others might say?
- Are you attached to an ideal that you have that you feel the need to have, for example – she is hot – so anything else is fine?
If you have answered yes to any of the above, you might need to look at that first. Because you see, these all are not different problems, it is a single issue. So, when that gets solved, all this web of behaviours dissolves.
Take care in creating boundaries
- Remember it is to let the love in and out, and ward off the shit from outside in and from inside out.
- Care is required in creating healthy boundaries. It is not to control someone else, and most importantly to let others be themselves. You don’t want to shape someone else in to the way you want them to be. It is about putting care in to the relationship from both parties.
- Don’t do it to get a hit of control or to boost your own ego
Knowing when a boundary is needed
When to know you want a boundary being set. These are not ruling per se, this is what I have observed that usually happens when there is a need to create a boundary
- I am irritated with the person for some unknown reason
- Everything the person does irritates me
- I am very judgemental about them
- I snap and get angry easily with the person
- I am passive aggressive
- I spend too much energy thinking about someone’s behaviour
Benefits of having good boundaries
- You feel freer in your relationships
- You are less resentful and more communicative
- There is the possibility of real love and care (not that marketed romantic ideal shit)
- You have respect in your relationship, and you connect at the level of being human, with all the emotions messiness etc.
- There is more understanding and intimacy with your partner for the relationship is now based on truth and transparency
All that being said, you can’t demand the other to conform to your boundary/rule. It is up to them. You hold the power to respond but it is appalling to shape someone’s behaviour. Let them be. Letting them be, comes from understanding that anger is anger, pain is pain, sorrow is sorrow, regardless whether you feel them, or I feel them. There is no your anger and my anger. Once you appreciate the depth of these feelings and what effect that has on a person. The human experience is the same, no matter how attractive, successful, wealthy poor, someone is.
Out of this understanding happens genuine care and love.