Today I forgive my father.

By |2018-05-10T21:57:27+00:00December 1, 2017|Coaching, Journal|0 Comments

Today I forgive my father.

He was abusive to me. He taught me great things, he taught me how to be resilient, how to be strong in the face of adversity. I’m grateful to him. I also doubt that I might be forgiving him when I don’t want to. I don’t care, I forgive him. It is my choice.

Do you know why? I understand him. It hit me, that he was a really emotional being who had the pressure of being a man. I understand this. He must have felt stupid. He must have felt not loved, not loved by mom, not loved by his own kids. I’m sorry. I had no idea. I understand now. I understand you.

I understand how you must have felt when you felt you could not look after your family. I understand how you must have felt like a bad person. You must have had no clue. We did not make it easy for you. I am sorry. I miss you.

We never gave you love. We wanted you to step up and be a man, we were never curious, I was never curious. I was entitled to the safety that you had to provide. I was a kid. I am still that kid. I forgive you, I understand you. I am sorry. Deeply.

Everyone was mean to you. I was mean to you. My mom was mean to you. I tried to shame you for not doing your job as a man. I was cruel. I judged you for your actions, never took the time to love you. I was entitled for the good treatment from you, so I never slowed down to be curious about you. You must have felt so lonely. You never showed this part to us. You must have felt lonely, in your family. Alienated. That is a horrible feeling for someone to feel. There is nothing worse. Rejected by your own kids, not being seen as capable.

I acknowledge, you did try. I know, you did try. I never appreciated for your willingness. I am so sorry.

I remember when you fell sick, your own sister told you that, it was a good thing that was happening to you. I can only imagine how that might have hurt you. You did not show this. I understand now, you were an emotional being. We just did not understand you.

I was a dick to you. I forgive you. I understand you. We were mean to you because we were hurting. It was never your fault. We made you responsible for our happiness. And that is a huge burden to carry. In fact that must have been the reason why you fell sick. May be we had a part. Who would not fall sick, you must have told yourself you don’t deserve to live. And your body must have followed.

Even though I was a dick to you, and never understood you, and I thought you were doing something to me, us, I love and accept myself deeply and completely. I love and accept you deeply and completely.

I love you. I love every being on this planet who feels this.

Today I forgive you, Today I found compassion for you.

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Having been travelling for 4 years now, I write about travel, personal growth tips and my internal world here. I am excited to share with you, tools and tricks that I have learned along the way.

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