How your fear can hurt others – compassion as a reaction to violence, niceness – lying out of fear

­­This girl came to my hostel room the other day. She stayed for one night, and when I returned the next day, she was gone. Actually, she was not gone – she just changed rooms. We saw again in the elevator and she avoided eye contact and talking. We both knew what was going on.

I have to say, I got a little hurt by her actions, because she was afraid of me for some reason.

That got me thinking the times that I would have hurt others because I was afraid of them. The times that I avoided them because I was afraid. Because they appeared a certain way, because they were hot, ugly – black, wearing certain things, has tattoo etc.

Or merely because of my social anxiety, by thinking there is something wrong with me, that I am not good enough – all those times I avoided people.

Sometime back I was talking to this girl at a conference about my fear of women, that I am afraid to talk to women, she said there was a time when she was in […]

By |2018-12-15T16:25:18+00:00December 14, 2018|Journal, Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

Busy-ness, Avoidance, Anxiety of not Making Someone Out of You

Do I get points for being busy?

Being busy does not mean you are being productive. In fact, quite the contrary. Busy-ness stems from a fear of not being enough. A fear of being lazy. A fear of not having lived a worthwhile life. Wanting to look important in front of others. Busy-ness is being used as a measure of how much you are achieving without actually looking at what is being achieved. This kind of business is meaningless.

Busy-ness can be used as an excuse to avoid things that are actually challenging and important. ‘Can’t you see I am busy with something else?’- you say. You might be avoiding something that really needs looking at.

Relax and do only the things that matter.

Why do you do the things that you do? What is the reason behind your actions? What is the motive, what is the meaning – meaning as in – what is the outcome? Is it for material gains, emotional gains? Emotional avoidance? Wanting approval?

Things that matter beyond avoidance, approval, disapproval etc. Things you do out of fear, out of dissatisfaction.

Once you get closer to what does actually matter – you will soon realise that there […]

By |2018-12-12T16:55:23+00:00December 12, 2018|Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

Knowing Anxiety – Attention, Mindfulness, Pathology of Positivity

Anxiety is a state where you are worried about the future or about something that happened in the past repeating as a memory and being afraid that it might happen again. You are never in the present moment; your mind is always looking forward to things or ruminating over the things that happened.

An exercise like, mindfulness meditation that teaches to stay present to the present moment, without interpretation and meaning-giving – will help you manage your anxiety.

Attention through mindfulness. Attention is not concentration. Concentration is exclusive, you concentrate on a particular thing. Attention is awareness, there is no exclusion or inclusion. There is nothing to accept, things are there whether you accept or not. There is no seeking, wishing or hoping. Attention is goalless. You simply are aware of what is happening, what is, in the moment, around you, inside you, the sensations, the mood, the things that arises in your perception without labels such as happy, angry, tree, chair, blue, green etc – for all of these are the meaning that we give to things. And these stop us from further being curious and observing.

You cannot control your thoughts. It is impossible, when you […]

By |2018-12-11T20:53:11+00:00December 11, 2018|Meditation, Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

These Best Mindfulness Meditation Apps Have the Answers to Everything

When it comes to meditation people have a various questions, how to meditate, “I am a beginner, how do I meditate?”, “should I join a meditation retreat?”, join a cult, “should I be a full time or part time hippie?”, “should I go out shopping for vintage clothes and weird stones to wear to be able to meditate?” etc.

The essence of meditation is to be able to have a mind that is able to stand alone, without prejudices, judgement, not conflict with itself and no effort. It does not mean no thoughts, but the ability to see how thoughts, feelings, words distort one’s perception of the world.

For a beginner this might be a tad difficult to grasp. Especially if he/she wants to try meditation in order to fix something. In that case meditation only becomes a tool towards achieving something. Hence you are moving away from the experience of meditation.

A whole new set of attitude needs to be understood in order to approach meditation the right way. No grasping, no running, no fixing, no wanting to fix – none of that. But simply observing the inner workings of your mind – your psyche.

It is essentially […]

By |2018-10-20T12:22:23+00:00October 20, 2018|Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

What Not to Do When Facing Your Fears

We all want to overcome fear, conquer fear and be courageous, be bold to take big risks, so you can be successful. Because taking big risks means having confidence and therefore leading to success. Right? That is what is being marketed anyway.

As long as confidence and fearlessness are in the equation of having success – if you “cultivate” or have more of it you will become successful one day. Confidence is the thing that you are missing, or the fears are standing in your way.

Then you have things like “lean into fear” taking small steps and all sorts of methodologies to beat fear in order to become confident and fearless.

Meditation to beat fear without even knowing what meditation really is.

So, you do that.

You take courses after courses, workshops after workshops.

Yet…

The fears seem to persist, once you conquer one, another one creeps in. Or, it comes about in a different form.

You want to overcome your fear of rejection, so you go out and get rejected by people, you get comfortable with that.

And then you come across something else that you want to do – the fear is still there. Can you do this for every fear […]

By |2018-09-28T14:44:37+00:00September 28, 2018|Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

Forcing motivation is like trying to force an orgasm

You all know the times when you wake up – and then you say to yourself – this is a great day! I am going to do great things! – and you cannot even get up. Then you excuse yourself, “okay I got up late”, but I am going to make up for it for the rest of the day. And at the end of the day, you have not done much, you feel shitty.

“I will do it tomorrow” – “I will make up for it tomorrow”. You can’t wait for it to be the morning. Lying in your bed, you are planning in your head the best execution plan and how you are going to do it the next day.

That never happens. Instead, the cycle repeats!

You all know what I am talking about?

There is just not enough motivation to be NOT LAZY and do something.

The safety of familiarity and the challenge of your competence – the perfect yin and yang

Sometimes I feel like doing things. Sometimes I don’t. For this reason, I think motivation comes and goes.

I don’t want to do things, sometimes, because I am uncomfortable attempting new things – it is a […]

By |2018-09-21T00:40:42+00:00August 19, 2018|Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

Is Living Worry Free Our Greatest Anxiety?

We try to change our thoughts in the hope that we can affect our emotions. Because we are resistant to feeling fear, anger, sadness, restlessness, agitation, boredom, shame, unworthiness, loneliness etc.

What if you were at more peace with these states of being? Would not that stop you from hating your thoughts so much. Would a negative thought cause so much harm anymore? The harm is not caused by the thought itself. Rather, it is caused by your action of hating yourself. You cannot control hating you for hating you either. That is just how it is. You cannot control any of this. Maybe it is time to wake up to this.

Would not we resign from our lives then? If we were to accept everything, would we make use of our lives? But, is not that another anxious thought again. You are missing every moment.

You are not really living because you are always worried about the future, not just you, me too. Us. We are not really living.

Can we just drop all sorts of worrying? Now that causes real anxiety. Because the answer is very unsure. It is irresponsible to drop worrying, right? It […]

By |2018-09-21T12:44:12+00:00August 8, 2018|Personal Growth Tips|2 Comments

94 Responses to the Question “What increases intimacy in your relationships?”

I asked around, “what increases intimacy in relationships?”, here is the response from people. Some are repeated because there were more than one person who said the same thing. Read this to have an understanding of how others think about intimacy.

Responses from people

  1. Knowing yourself and how to communicate so clearly the depth of your own vulnerability. For you cannot see in another until you see in yourself.
  2. Being independent and strong enough to not be afraid to meet on an authentic level. It takes bravery and self-love to be there. It takes a lot of strength and compassion and maturity to hold space for your partner.
  3. IMO, there are several. But I think the prerequisite to all of them is trust.
  4. Forgiveness every time. And then honesty.
  5. What increases my desire to connect with my partner is when I know by her actions that she is doing her inner healing work and has integrity with her presence.
  6. Many things.Understanding is first.
  7. Honestly and being vulnerable.
  8. Independence, mystery and Truth.
  9. Silence.
  10. Acceptance.
  11. Emotional literacy, emotional vulnerability, awareness to emotional weaponisation – thereby creating a sanctuary for sharing no matter what comes up.. in doing so […]
By |2018-09-21T13:02:24+00:00August 6, 2018|Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments

How To Practice Curiosity? Dismantle Your Fears With Curiosity

Curiosity can be practiced. Some say it cannot be taught or learned. I think it can be.

When we are born, we are very curious. We want to try new things. We were not afraid to fail. We tried things after things, we learned from our mistakes. And perfected the craft of walking for example.

Now, I think it is not that we are not curious, it is marred by our fear of failure and ridicule.

We are even afraid to ask a simple question when having a conversation out of the fear of coming across as stupid.

How to Practice Curiosity?

Learn to be present

Live in the moment. Be curious about the now. Become mindful. When you become more and more mindful you start to notice the details. And these details lead to more curiosity.

What are the sounds that are coming into your awareness? What do you smell? What are the sensations in your body? How are you holding yourself? Just notice. You don’t have to answer these things, watch what comes up in your mind.

Watch your thoughts.

When talking to someone, be curious about your judgements about the person. Is there something that is irritating you about this person? […]

By |2018-09-21T12:52:19+00:00July 26, 2018|Personal Growth Tips|1 Comment

How To Not Take Things Personally: You Are As Nasty As Anyone Else

If you don’t want to take things personally, you need to understand that people are not nice. It is not healthy to see others as superior in being virtuous and whatever they say is true without question. This comes from thinking that you are wrong. That there is something wrong with you, and everyone else is perfect.

People are nasty, and when they say harsh words it is because of them. That is the way you develop a thick skin. By understanding that the whole world does not revolve around you.

Taking things personally, is in fact, the highest form of selfishness. The word does not revolve around you. Everything that is being said and happening around you is not because of you. It is a twisted way of feeling important, by saying it is because of me.

Don’t think for a moment, others are nasty, and you are virtuous. That you are the good person, but all the bad things happen to you. You are equally nasty. The faster you accept that, the quicker power will return to you and will see others as equally nasty, they are nothing special. The beauty though, […]

By |2018-09-21T13:11:36+00:00July 18, 2018|Personal Growth Tips|0 Comments