My first depression was when I was sent to boarding school. I felt abandoned by my parents, thought they only cared about having me scoring good grades and becoming an engineer or doctor.
I didn’t feel useful. I think that was the main cause of it. I felt useless. I resorted to violence and an inflated self importance to get attention. I was good challenging people though, I had caused chaos in my college, got expelled from two schools, though I was a top scorer. My grades fell eventually. I felt useless. I fell sick with migraines and I had to remove myself from noises and light and was very angry.
I think the lack of the feeling that were useful is at the source of it. My household was not a supportive environment. There was a lot of domestic violence, I got a lot of it. At that point also there were a lot of family disputes as well between my father and his brothers. So was in the middle of their fights with axes and iron rods and shit! This was my normal life. So it did not help much not getting depressed.
There were a lot of tragic events.. my cousin died, Tsunami and my father died all in the span of two months or so. And as a “man” I had to be at the fore front of it.
At the time when my father died, we were neck down in debt and the family had to be fed. I had to feed my family so there was no point in getting depressed, I cared about them more than I cared about my depression. So that was the thing that made me feel useful that snapped me out of it the first time.
The second time was also related, I had my family responsibilities done and I was free. And I started expressing my desires to my family. They were not very supportive from where I saw things and was not interested in my growth. That shocked me. Also I was a virgin at that time and did not know how to talk to women, go on a date and have sex. I used to think about women and my anxiety around them. I would not sleep for days, sometimes 5–6 days in a row and would crash and sleep for two days.
Second time what snapped me out of it was desire to have pleasure. That became my usefulness. I started going to meet ups to meet women and quickly learned that was not effective.
I learned pickup — how to pick women up in the street. I took several pickup boot camps where i traveled and practiced in different cities. That showed me how much abundance I can have. But soon the shame kicked in when I got comments like “I treat women like meat”. No!! I care about everyone. “I got rejected a lot” that led to my third episode of depression. More than that I was ashamed of how afraid of women I was. That course changed my life though. I resurrected my meditation practices went to India, stayed in an Ashram. Loved it.
And when I was done with it, I came back. I decided living true to myself was more important than pleasing others, and I started practicing that.
And now also there’s an underlying tone of melancholy always with me. And I know it’s a part of me. It’s not much about avoiding it or shaming it. I do actually deliberately go into that space by staying indoors and eating badly etc.. I do it so much that I get bored with it.
I don’t believe in positive thinking (I practice it though) But I do believe that negative thoughts are only negative because we thing they are negative and shameful. There is only thoughts. You can choose to believe them or you don’t.
You’re happy because of the love coming out of you.
Not because of the amount of love you get.
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